The Truth
by Michelle167
Summary: Sequel to In the Shadows. Kaidan struggles with whether or not to tell Shepard the truth. Post ME2. One Shot. Shenko.


This is a follow up to my short fic "In the Shadows". I don't usually do sequels but I was at a low ebb on ideas, and a couple of people had requested a sequel, so I started writing...it's probably not what was expected. I didn't go into detail in some areas on purpose...I mean how many times can you explain how Kaidan comes to be aboard the Normandy. I've tackled that in other fanfics and didn't feel the need or have the desire to rehash it again...besides it would have added little to the story. There may be a couple of other liberties so be warned.

Haunted and tormented by a secret, Kaidan worries about telling Shepard the truth. One shot. Angst. Comfort. Rated T.

I do not own Bioware: If I had Kaidan would not have worn pink armor...shout out to Chem Light.

* * *

The Truth

"Daddy...help me, Daddy!" The child cried.

The desperate wailing was followed by pain filled whimpers that faded away as quickly as they had come. Ignoring the growing ache created in his arm by a 3 -inch gash, Kaidan frantically made his way towards the source of the child's voice.

"How the hell did a child get aboard the Normandy?" Kaidan thought, as he unconsciously wipe the blood from his bicep.

He tried to remember...he couldn't. Had they aided a colony recently? Had they rescued a child...a family? His mind was foggy, and no matter how hard he tried, he could not recall.

Squinting his eyes, to see through the smoke, he tried to make out the path in front of him. The door was barricaded.

"Damn," he whispered.

"Daddy?" The voice was much closer now.

"Stay put...don't worry...I'll find a way to get you out!" Kaidan yelled as he looked for something to pry open the door.

A feeling of doom gripped him. The ship was quickly disintegrating, the flames consuming the Normandy's frame. Any longer and he would perish.

Unlike the deteriorating ship around him, the door remained solid, with nothing to pry it open with in sight.

On the edge of losing control, Kaidan banged on the the door's unyielding frame, to be rewarded with an explosion that threw him to the floor.

Blown off it's hinges, the door left a gaping hole. Scrambling to his feet, he pushed through the opening just in time to hear the child cry again.

"Help me." The voice was soft now...distant.

"Just hold on..." Kaidan called, "I'm coming!"

Flames danced around him as he made his was down the hallway.

Raising his arms to protect himself from the smoke, Kaidan called out, "Where are you?"

Silence.

"Where are you?!" he repeated urgently.

Frantically, Kaidan began to quicken his pace, searching for any sign of the child.

Nothing.

"Kaidan!" the voice called.

Turning, he saw Shepard barely hanging on to the side of the ship's hull as space threatened to suck her out into the abyss.

"Help me, Kaidan..."

He reached and missed, and tried again only to fail a second time.

"I can't reach you from here!" he yelled, "Let me try another spot."

Hysterically, he searched for a better foothold.

"Kaidan!" she called.

"Don't answer...don't turn," he thought.

"Kaidan!" she called again.

"No," he whispered to himself.

Beads of fear broke out on his forehead and Kaidan turned.

Her face was so clear and warm...her beautiful blue eyes...so inviting and so sad. She knew and so did he...they would never see each other again. She smiled at him weakly a single tear flowing from her eyes.

'It's all right, Kaidan," she whispered.

She closed her eyes, and death claimed her as she was sucked out into the far-reaches of space.

Kaidan screamed.

* * *

"Where were you, Daddy...why didn't you save me?" The child-like voice seemed to echo throughout Kaidan's new quarters, which until recently had been occupied by the late Miranda Lawson.

Except for the uncontrollable shaking, Kaidan seemed unable to move. His breathing was shallow and labored. Despite the fact that his quarters were sound proof, he was thankful that he had finally stopped screaming.

He closed his eyes tightly and consciously willed himself to come under control. It had little affect. The nightmare had never been more vivid than it was now.

He remembered the exact time it had returned...the day after Horizon.

"Why is this happening?" he thought.

Six months before Horizon the dreams had grown dim. Even the clarity of Shepard's face had faded. Kaidan thought he was well on his way down the road to recovery and had even allowed his friends to talk him into dating again.

Slowly, he had been putting his life back together...that is until Horizon. To say he was shocked was an understatement. The thoughts that flew through his mind in less than 5 minutes were more than he could handle. He had gone through hell, and all Shepard could say was "It's been too long Kaidan, how have you been."

He had lost it, and went on a rampage about Shepard working for Cerberus, but it had only been an excuse...an excuse to stay as far away from her as he could.

Despite his fear he had sent her an email explaining about everything...about everything except the one thing he needed to tell her...the truth.

When she had not sent him an email in return, he had worried. What if she had decided to move on? What if his reaction on Horizon had been too much? He agonized over what to do, finally coming to the decision to break it off with his citadel doctor. Whether Shepard took him back or not, it was evident that his feelings for her were too strong for him to move into another relationship. And then Kaidan had waited, only to be greeted with more silence. Shepard had still failed to contact him.

Her lack of response only made the nightmares more intense. Kaidan began to find himself fearing a reunion more than the thought of Shepard moving on. How could he tell her? How would he ever find the words? Despite it all he longed to be with her again...even if it was just to hold her in his arms.

Now he was closer than ever...Kaidan was the new XO of the New Normandy, yet he had found himself avoiding his former commander.

As his mind wandered, Kaidan found his breathing beginning to slow. He almost cried in relief. As he lay in the sweat drenched bed, he found his eyes wandering to his nightstand. He knew what lay there behind the closed drawer...the report that had doubled his pain and nearly destroyed him. Yet, there it was again haunting him...taunting him...waiting just for the right moment to cause trouble in his life once again.

It silently called to him as he gathered himself and made his way to the shower. Slightly unsteady, but glad that he could move, Kaidan ignored it's cries as he went to wash away the lingering remnants of his troubling dream.

* * *

Kaidan was uncomfortable.

Being aboard the new Normandy was not the problem. Despite his misgivings at first, especially about EDI, Kaidan had adjusted. He had even warmed to the A.I. as he found himself approving of her banter with Joker. Often he had found himself siding with EDI instead of Joker, a fact that irritated the pilot to no end.

No...the new Normandy and its new crew were not the problem...Shepard was. If he had wanted he could have blamed his own behavior on the events on Horizon. He could have continued with the perfect excuse...had it been the truth, but such was not the case. Kaidan was struggling with his on indecisiveness...should he tell Shepard or not?

He grasped the report in his hands like he had so many times before, the words printed at the end silently accusing him. He had tried to leave it in his quarters, but it's incessant drawing had simply overcome him. What made it worse was that Shepard had asked to speak with him privately, and he was not looking forward to it.

She had bent over backwards to be as friendly as possible, since he had arrived. In fact she had gone out of her way on several occasions, and yet, Kaidan had found himself unreceptive. As much as he wanted to take her in his arms and tell her that he still loved her, he was afraid of just what that might mean.

How would she respond? Would she be angry? Would she blame him for not telling her sooner? Would she be upset at all? The possibilities seemed endless. Two years ago he knew exactly how she would have reacted...now he was no longer sure.

He put the report away as the elevator reached it's destination. Although it was barely negligible in actual weight, it weighed heavy on his heart.

Lightly he raked his hands across the outside of Shepard's door. It wasn't the first time he had hesitated at the door of her quarters.

_Illos._

The memories flooded his mind. He had been so nervous that night ...what if she had sent him away...but she hadn't.

He had never been able to confess it to her...even his email had fallen short...but that night had changed his life. Not even the feelings he had once felt for Rahna could compare with how he felt about Amanda Shepard. And that night he had given her everything...including his heart. There was no going back...not even now. Mustering his courage, he entered her quarters.

Silently, she signaled for him to take a seat, as she was finishing up at her terminal.

Fish, model ships, comfortable and roomy...nothing like what an Alliance ship would have. Many soldiers would have laughed at the accommodations and called those residing in them soft.

Shepard laughed and said, "I still know how to fire my weapon, soldier."

Kaidan lowered his head in embarrassment. Was he that transparent?

"I guess I'm not used to so many comforts," he responded.

Shepard gazed at Kaidan in silence. He hadn't changed much...a little older perhaps, but hardly enough to register. Despite his new position as a Staff Commander he still blushed like a child. It was something she hoped never changed.

"Yeah, I guess this Normandy does have a lot more comforts than the old one did," she agreed, "How are you adjusting?"

"Adjusting Commander," he replied.

Shepard nodded. She didn't want him feeling uncomfortable. He had seemed so distant...even cold at times since coming on board.

She couldn't remember him ever being so frigid on the original Normandy...especially towards her.

"Kaidan...I think we need to talk," she said, softly. She had not meant to turn the conversation personal so fast, but she had waited so long... and she was tired of waiting.

He looked at her...her face said everything he wanted to hear and everything he was afraid of hearing. She wanted to work things out. Nervously,  
he fidgeted and found himself physically backing away.

Shepard was hurt. Of all the many ways in which she thought he could have reacted, physically distancing himself from her was not one of them.

"I thought...I thought we had gotten past Horizon...I mean your email...You did apologize didn't you? I just assumed you had moved past the Cerberus thing." Shepard struggled to find the words.

Kaidan looked away. His heart was beating wildly. What could he tell her? What could he say?

"I...I meant what I said in the email...but more than that...I overreacted Shep...I was just upset...at the time." Kaidan found that his words came no easier that Shepard's had.

"Why do those words make me more afraid than relieved? You join the crew, and yet you stay as far away from me as you can. I thought that you wanted to try and work things out, or did I misread what you wrote? You don't think I had opportunity to see someone else? But I didn't...I waited... for you...so you owe me the truth...If there is someone else...if you and that citadel doctor are still together...just tell me now, before I make a fool of myself!" Shepard leaned back against her chair, defeat already registered in her countenance. She was terrified as to what his answer might be.

"I broke it off with her right after Horizon...it wasn't fair to her...to be dating someone that was in love with somebody else." Kaidan couldn't seem to look Shepard in the face even as he confessed to the best of his ability that he still loved her.

Shepard smiled as the burden of uncertainty lifted.

"Then what's the problem?" she asked, studying his face for a response.

She had moved to within inches of Kaidan's face. Her clear blue eyes seared into his own as he felt himself captured by her gaze. He wanted to hold her...wanted to kiss her...wanted to be with her, and he wanted to run.

"Shep..I..I..." he stammered.

His unfinished sentence was met with Shepard's lips, as she leaned in to kiss him. Losing all comprehension of what he was about to say, he found himself drowning in everything he had wanted for the last two years...the only thing he had wanted in the last two years.

He could feel her body quiver next to his as they intertwined. He knew that she wanted him as much as he wanted her...missed him as much as he missed her...and yes...loved him as much as he loved her. The confessions remained unspoken...there were no words needed to convey them. They simply knew.

Smiling, he pulled back slightly to gaze upon her face. Her beautiful blue eyes sparkled as she smiled in return. It was all so vivid...so clear...so hazy...so filled with smoke...

"Daddy...help me, Daddy!" The voice of the child was louder than he had ever heard it before. Kaidan gasped and took a step back from Shepard, his face gone ashen pale.

"Kaidan...what's wrong?" Shepard asked frantically.

No response...Kaidan's eyes had gone blank.

"Kaidan!" Shepard lightly slapped the side of his cheek.

He looked at her confused, his eyes filling with tears.

"I can't do this...not until you know the truth," he said, shakily.

She had never seen him react so emotionally, not even at Horizon.

"Please don't tell me you lied...that you're still involved with that doctor," she replied, fearfully.

He shook his head. "No," he whispered.

Again he was at a lost for words. Closing his eyes, letting the tears fall...he did the only thing he could. Reaching for the report, he handed it to Shepard.

Her gaze cut from him to the report in her hand. The words "Quarterly Physical" were written across the top. At first she was terrified...was something wrong with him...was he sick? It wasn't until she saw her name printed after the subject title that her concern for Kaidan's health subsided.

The report was about her.

Her eyes scanned the information coming to rest over the words, "Pregnancy test results: Positive."

The weight of the report hit her immediately. Her legs gave way, as she collapsed against the wall and slid to the floor.

A baby? The thought had never occurred to her. She knew herself well enough to know that back then she would have considered it an inconvenience...to her job...her mission...even her career. But that was 2 years ago and Shepard had been a different woman then.

She had prided herself on being the professional...personal relationships were considered a hindrance to her agenda. For years she had avoided anything more than an occasional one night stand, and those had been few and far between. No emotional attachment for Commander Amanda Shepard.

Her philosophy was the reason Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko had come as such a surprise. She thought it had been nothing more than a little battlefield flirting that with luck might lead to a little comfort in an increasingly uncomfortable world.

But the joke had been on her. She had fell for him...hard. Part of her hated the fact that she felt so vulnerable around him. Her walls had come tumbling down, and she had felt exposed...naked in his presence.

But the other part of her, only wanted to give in...to give all of herself to him. When she finally did...she realized she was in love. She had even allowed herself to entertain the thought that perhaps one day they would settle down together..but a child?...it had never crossed her mind..not back then.

Since her death and following rebirth, she had begun to think more often about the prospects of her personal future. The thought of children had crossed her mind more than once as of late and finding out now that she had indeed been pregnant before her death rocked her to the core.

The tears came slow at first...followed by stronger sobs. They were enough to cause Kaidan to cease his own. He had never seen her cry. This was the response of the Shepard he knew...the Shepard he had always known.

This was his Shepard...the real one...the one who lay hidden beneath the steely exterior of the hardened combat soldier. The walls she had put up when they had first met had almost caused Kaidan to reject her. He knew her type...emotionally unavailable. But he had seen a chink in her armor...a vulnerability that had convinced him to take a chance.

The more time he had spent with her, the more she had opened up, and by the time Ilos had happened, Kaidan knew the real Shepard. And now that Shepard lay broken before him.

Sliding down the wall next to her, Kaidan wrapped his arms around her. Accepting his embrace, she curled up in his arms as he comforted her.

"I was afraid to tell you...I didn't know how you'd react," he whispered.

She looked up into his face through her teary eyes, "You've been carrying that with you for the last two years?"

Kaidan nodded, "I was the only one who knew."

"I had no idea...the physical was mandatory...I didn't even think that it might be a possibility," she replied.

"I wasn't really sure I should tell you," he said.

"No...no you did the right thing," she answered, "This was the only thing...right...there isn't anything else...is there?"

"No...nothing else," he replied.

"Then...we're still...together?" she asked.

Kaidan smiled weakly, "If you still want to be."

"I do," she answered.

Laying her head back on his shoulders, Shepard continued to softly cry, as Kaidan drew her closer and held her warmly in his embrace.

For two years he had grieved for her and what could have been...now he could be here for her...to comfort her...to see her through. Kaidan knew from that moment on he would never leave her side. The voice of the child had gone silent.

* * *

"Colbert, how's our little project coming together?" The Illusive man asked.

The scientist looked up from his report and eyed his boss. He wasn't too fond of Cerberus, but the financial offer had been impossible to turn down.

"Fine, Sir, right on schedule," Colbert answered.

"And there have been no problems? The DNA was intact?" he asked.

"No...no problems...the DNA was an excellent sample...the child should be exactly as if the mother had carried it to term." The young doctor swallowed hard. The Illusive Man made him nervous.

"Good, let me know when the project's complete...I need all the leverage I can get," he answered.

"Leverage sir?" Colbert asked.

The Illusive man smiled coldly at his employee.

"Let's just say I have feeling that an old friend of mine would do just about anything to ensure the safety of that child...and it's something I'm counting on."


End file.
